This Sunday sees the 600^th anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt, October 25^th, 1415 a battle won by the English (and Welsh) against all the odds.  I wonder what would have happened if a similar event had occurred in these politically correct days………….

King (to his troops) – “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers….”

Health and Safety Official  – “Hey you, what do you think you’re playing at?

K. – “Well, I’m just about to give battle to the French and I thought I’d try and rally the men.”

H.S.O. – “Really, and what do you think you’re doing with all those bows and arrows? Where are the safety guards for those sharp points?

K. – “We were going to fire them at the French.”

H.S.O. – “What! Have you any idea how dangerous those things are? Have you issued safety goggles to your bowmen and have you carried out a full risk assessment?”

K. – “I beg your pardon?”

H.S.O.  – “And what about those wooden stakes?

K. – “Er, we were going to put them in the ground so we’d have some protection if the French cavalry decided to attack us.”

H.S.O. – “Are you stupid, have you considered what would happen if the horses suddenly stopped and threw the riders on to those stakes? They could do themselves a nasty injury.”

K. – “That’s the idea!”

H.S.O. – “And these soldiers of yours, are they on minimum wage contracts?

King – “What?”

H.S.O. – “How much do you pay them?”

K – “Pay them?”

H.S.O. – “And have you made any provision for sick leave, parenting leave and fulfilled all the criteria regarding gay rights, religious discrimination and sex discrimination? Do you employ any female employees or people from ethnic minorities”.

K. – “Eh?”

H.S.O. “Are your employees incentivised? Do you give them targets?

K.  – “Oh yes, of course. We train them to aim for the head or the heart. Well the heart really because you can still cause serious damage if your aim is a bit off centre.”

H.S.O. – “Who are you anyway?

K. – “I’m King Henry V”

H.S.O. – “Yeah, yeah and I’m Julius Caesar.

K. – “No, I really am the king and I’m the undisputed leader of this fine body of men.”

H.S.O – “They don’t look very fine to me”

K. – “That’s because we ran out of supplies and they’ve been living on nuts and berries for the last few days and most of them have got dysentery.”

H.S.O. – “Alright, that’s it. I’m afraid I’m going to have to close down this operation  without further notice. There’ll be no more invading of  France for you, sunshine.

K. – “Sergeant-at-arms. I’ve no idea what planet this jester is from but, methinks, it’s certainly one unfamiliar to me. Take him away, remove his head and let’s start this confounded battle! Cry God for Harry, England and St George!”

(With apologies to William Shakespeare)

I recently read an article in the Independent newspaper on the subject of the battle of Waterloo and the forthcoming celebrations to commemorate the 200th anniversary of the British and Allied victory of June 18^th, 1815. The writer said that the victory was of little importance, argued that the British (and particularly the English) played a small part and went on to say that the winning general was Irish.

It is of course fashionable, particularly among the country’s liberal elite, to question Britain’s achievements and wherever possible to belittle them and even to rewrite history, so it’s worth looking at those statements.

Waterloo, as Wellington himself said, was a “near run thing” and if Napoleon had won who knows what might have happened?  The whole of Europe was ranged against Napoleon, and his plan, born of necessity,  was for a quick victory in Belgium over Wellington’s British Allied army and Blucher’s Prussians before turning east to face the armies of Russia and Austria.

He almost succeeded and the fact that he didn’t was down primarily, in the opinion of most military historians, to the abilities of Wellington, the quality of the 20,000 British troops and 6,000 troops of the King’s German Legion under his command (totalling less than one third of his forces) plus the eventual late arrival on the field of battle of Blucher’s Prussians.

If  Napoleon had won the battle who is to say what the effect would have been on the morale of the Austrians and Russians? Would they have fancied their chances against his undoubted military genius? Might they instead have sued for peace? What would have happened to Europe? Who knows? It is, of course, mere conjecture

As for Wellington’s nationality, he was of Anglo-Irish protestant stock, born in Dublin and educated at Eton. He regarded himself as English and when referred to as Irish, due to his place of birth, he is alleged to have replied “If I had been born in a stable would that make me a horse?”

None of that is to derogate the Irish who contributed mightily to the history of this country and her former empire but it would be nice if certain modern commentators could at least give the English some credit.

NOTE: On the anniversary of the battle of Trafalgar I half expect some revisionist to declare that Nelson wasn’t English either – actually, when you think about it Horati O’Nelson does sound a little suspicious!