Category Archives: Modern Technology

Dealing with Spam

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I recently received one of those regular internet requests to help some African bloke invest his $20 million inheritance. To enable me to receive one half of this windfall all I needed to do was send some personal information including, obviously, my bank details. Rather than ignore it as usually do, I thought I would try a different approach, so I replied –

“No thank you, but please feel free to contact my business partner, Mr M. Mouse at www.disneyworldflorida.com. Best of luck, Donald (Duck, not Trump)”

Another one to consider would be –

“Oh, how wonderful! Yes please. I love Nigeria and have such wonderful memories of your country – my favourite (former) colony. My details are as follows – Bank of England, A/C Holder Elizabeth Windsor, Sort code 11 11 11 A/C No. 1111111111. Please access the account with my blessing.”

As for unsolicited phone calls, instead of just putting the phone down try something different

“Hello, hello, hello? I can’t hear anybody, I wonder if they can hear me …. Hello, hello…..Hello, hello……..Bloody hell, there’s no bugger there!” Then put the phone down.

Or,“Oh I’m so glad you called, I’ve been hoping to speak to somebody about my traffic accident/mis-sold insurance but I’m a little busy at the moment. Could you please call back tomorrow” (Repeat as necessary).

If you really want to freak them out, “Bless you my child. I’ve been expecting your call. You have been directed to me by the Lord. Have you found Jesus? Let me tell you how to bring Him into your life” – Pause – “Sorry, hello, hello…………..”

Silly, I know, but it helps brighten the day!

Zip it Up!

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Today is the anniversary of the patent of one of the most important inventions of the last century, an invention that would completely revolutionise our everyday lives.

We probably give subconscious thanks several times a day to this particular inventor; every time we pack and unpack our bags, every time we dress and undress and every time we pay a visit to the little boy’s (or girl’s) room. We undoubtedly curse him too on the painful occasions we snag ourselves on the teeth of his invention – don’t think about it!

The inventor was Gideon Sundback, a Swedish-born US engineer who, on April 29th 1913, patented the zip-fastener, an invention that would gradually reduce reliance on buttons, clasps, pins and bits of old string!

So, next time you get caught short and, fiddling with your clothing, only just make it to the bathroom in time, spare a thought for old Gideon. Whatever would we do without him!

A Good Book

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It occurred to me recently, as I was enjoying a good book (a Ken Follett novel, as it happens), how comparatively little people seem to read these days. Of course, with the ubiquity of the internet and the ease of finding information, listening to music or watching films online there is probably less of an incentive for people to read for pleasure.

That’s a shame, since to many of us, reading is a great source of pleasure and relaxation. Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid user of computers and the internet and, like most of us, I cannot really imagine life without the internet, sad though that admission may be.

However nothing beats the sheer thrill of escaping into a good novel, briefly leaving the real world and using one’s imagination to enter another dimension. A book can be anything you want it to be, educational, thought provoking and stimulating. It can make you laugh, make you cry and scare the living daylights out of you. When I read “Jaws” by Peter Benchley back in 1975 I didn’t dare take a bath for a week! Mind you I was a student then and times were hard!

A Lament for the Past

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What is it with people and computers? Are we not capable of thinking for ourselves anymore?

A few days ago I went to collect some tickets from a place that I shan’t name for fear of offending the proprietors but let’s say it was the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, Tennessee! In fairness it could have been anywhere in the world.

There were two people in front of me having their order processed, which basically meant picking up pre-ordered tickets. After an unbelievable 15 minutes wait I made my way to the desk and handed over my voucher containing all the pre-booked information, date, time, place, tickets required and their reference number. After 10 minutes of the guy staring at his computer screen, consulting with a colleague and asking me for further confirmation I eventually got what I wanted.

Why, why should this happen?  Surely, if a clerk places the company’s own reference number into the computer it should immediately come up with the relevant booking. It’s hard not to conclude that it was actually quicker to process orders in the old days, when orders and references were written down on index cards and then placed alphabetically in a box for easy reference. Nobody seemed to struggle then.

Another gripe. Why is it that bar staff no longer seem able to utilise basic mathematics? Not so long ago, a good bartender would add up the order in his or her head and take the money off the customer. I appreciate that computerised tills are useful since they do all the additions, print off receipts and help prevent employee theft and fraud but there are times when an elementary use of mental arithmetic or even remembering what something costs can be useful to the customer. Why is it that a bartender can’t even take the money for a single drink without first telling the customer, “I’ll be with you in a second” or “I’ll be right back with your check”?

Computers are all well and good and are no doubt necessary in this modern hi-tech world but it’s such a shame that the price is a loss of human initiative and imagination.

Man’s Revenge

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Last week an American man was charged with doing what many of us have surely been tempted to do at one time or another. He became so angry with his malfunctioning computer that he took it outside the house and shot it eight times.

His local newspaper, the Colorado Springs Gazette, said that “He was able to wreak the kind of revenge most of us only dream about”. That is undoubtedly true, as anybody who has spent several hours working on their computer, only to lose all that work because the computer wouldn’t save it, will surely testify.

As with Basil Fawlty giving his errant motor car “a damn good thrashing” with a fallen tree branch all those years ago, we find it funny because we can identify with it. Breaking-down cars, computers failing to function correctly and mobile phones losing their signal in the middle of an important conversation are three of the banes of modern life so all credit to the guy from Colorado.

Incidentally, and perhaps unsurprisingly,  his computer is not expected to recover from its injuries.

Targets

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Everything seems to be  target driven these days and whilst this makes sense in the ultra-competitive world of business how can it be relevant in the public sector?  Targets are clearly important in sales where an employee is promised a financial bonus for selling a certain number of vacuum cleaners, fridges, cars or whatever. But, asking a teacher, a policeman or a doctor to reach a target seems pointless.

A teacher is either able to teach or not and the only imponderable (assuming the teacher is competent)  is  the ability or willingness of the pupil to learn. Similarly, the job of a policeman is to apprehend criminals and a good police officer  will arrest criminals as a matter of course, so why have a targeted number of arrests? Perhaps a town’s low number of arrests is due to effective policing which naturally leads to low crime rates. As for doctors, their job is to treat and heal the sick wherever they encounter them so why should a doctor need a target?

In the public sector the only “target” should be to do your job efficiently and effectively to the best of your ability and, provided the right people are in the right jobs, that should be enough.

The problem with the UK public sector seems to lie not with those on the front line (such as teachers, policemen and doctors) but with the hordes of administrators and pen-pushers who clog up the system  and cause unnecessary paperwork for those simply trying to do the job they are paid to do. How about targeting the removal of unnecessary bureaucrats?

Artificial Intelligence Takeover

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Last week the eminent scientist Sir Stephen Hawkings reiterated his view that there is a real danger that, one day, artificial intelligence, namely computers, will completely control human beings. This has often been a fertile ground for science fiction novelists and film makers alike but the fact that somebody as well respected as Hawkings takes this view is something of a wake up call.

Of course, if we look around us, evidence of computer domination is there for all to see. The vast majority of people in the so-called civilised world use computers on a daily basis whether it be online shopping, surfing the internet, corresponding with friends, real or virtual, on social media or just playing with their smartphones as they walk down the street.

One of the biggest downsides of the universal use of computers however is their use in and their effect on the workplace. Over the last twenty years or so there has been a revolution in the way we work as significant and profound as anything that occurred during the industrial revolution over 200 years ago. Put simply, we are now undoubtedly dependent upon computers, whether we like it or not.

As computers and machines become more and more sophisticated they are able to substitute for human beings by performing tasks quicker, more efficiently and, most importantly as far as business is concerned, cheaper than human beings are able to do. The result is increased unemployment and large sections of society unable to provide for themselves with all that that entails, both economically and psychologically. That is surely the most pressing concern.

Flexible Bureaucrats

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I recently received one of those official looking large brown envelopes in the post with a notice at the top stating “Important. This is not a circular”. I took a sharp inhalation of breath and thought “Oh no, here we go again. Another bl***y parking summons”.

I opened it and saw that it was indeed motor-related but, instead of parking, the letter inside stated “Bus Lane Warning Notice” advising me of the precise time of day that I wilfully drove my car from the permitted car traffic lanes over to a bus lane, adding, for the avoidance of any doubt, that it was recorded on a CCTV camera.

I carried on reading, waiting for the final paragraph advising me of the fine payable when I came to the next paragraph, “YOU DO NOT NEED TO TAKE ANY FURTHER ACTION WITH REGARDS TO THIS NOTICE as payment is not required on this occasion”.

My initial grimace turned into a smile as I continued reading that this was a new regulation and the council were giving people two months to get used to it before hitting them with a penalty of £60 for each infringement following the end of the two month trial period.

If I had been charged I would have argued that I had no choice but to use the bus lane since an accident ahead of me had blocked the usual car traffic lanes. However, that’s not the point and Sheffield City Council deserve praise for showing some imagination and flexibility in these regulation-obsessed times.

Flight Delay

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Nowadays, when booking flights, customers are usually asked to provide both their mobile telephone number and email address so that the airline can then advise of any delays or other problems affecting the flight. It’s a good idea and is one less problem for the customer to worry about when preparing to travel.

I experienced this first hand a few days back when I received both a text and an email from the airline advising me that my 14.55 departure had been put back to 15.40. Very useful, apart from the fact that the morons sent their messages out at 17.23 by which time I had been in the air for nearly one and a half hours and was virtually half way to my destination!

Unnecessary Interference?

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Most of us in the free west instinctively oppose any measures taken by government to interfere unnecessarily in our lives. Over regulation and micro management smack of Big Brother in George Orwell’s chilling novel “1984” and are abhorrent to free thinkers.

The key word in the preceding paragraph is “unnecessarily” and the question has to be asked is when is government interference necessary and therefore acceptable?

As I write these notes there is considerable controversy over the British government’s decision to force through legislation to increase surveillance of communications meaning, among other things, that our private emails will be private no longer – though I wonder, with all the technology at the government’s disposal, if they ever were private in the first place.

Many critics have called the legislation a “Snoopers’ Charter” and have referred to the measures as draconian and an example of unnecessary (that word again) “State Control”.

I sympathise with that viewpoint and the last thing I want is for my life to be controlled by the State. However, I also want to stay safe and I want my loved ones, my friends and fellow citizens to stay safe too. On balance, if the government remains fully accountable (a prerequisite) to the electorate and its measures succeed in preventing lives being lost to terrorist acts won’t a loss of privacy be a reasonable – and necessary – price to pay?