This Sunday sees the 600th anniversary of the Battle of Agincourt, October 25th, 1415 a battle won by the English (and Welsh) against all the odds. I wonder what would have happened if a similar event had occurred in these politically correct days………….
King (to his troops) – “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers….”
Health and Safety Official – “Hey you, what do you think you’re playing at?
K. – “Well, I’m just about to give battle to the French and I thought I’d try and rally the men.”
H.S.O. – “Really, and what do you think you’re doing with all those bows and arrows? Where are the safety guards for those sharp points?
K. – “We were going to fire them at the French.”
H.S.O. – “What! Have you any idea how dangerous those things are? Have you issued safety goggles to your bowmen and have you carried out a full risk assessment?”
K. – “I beg your pardon?”
H.S.O. – “And what about those wooden stakes?
K. – “Er, we were going to put them in the ground so we’d have some protection if the French cavalry decided to attack us.”
H.S.O. – “Are you stupid, have you considered what would happen if the horses suddenly stopped and threw the riders on to those stakes? They could do themselves a nasty injury.”
K. – “That’s the idea!”
H.S.O. – “And these soldiers of yours, are they on minimum wage contracts?
King – “What?”
H.S.O. – “How much do you pay them?”
K – “Pay them?”
H.S.O. – “And have you made any provision for sick leave, parenting leave and fulfilled all the criteria regarding gay rights, religious discrimination and sex discrimination? Do you employ any female employees or people from ethnic minorities”.
K. – “Eh?”
H.S.O. “Are your employees incentivised? Do you give them targets?
K. – “Oh yes, of course. We train them to aim for the head or the heart. Well the heart really because you can still cause serious damage if your aim is a bit off centre.”
H.S.O. – “Who are you anyway?
K. – “I’m King Henry V”
H.S.O. – “Yeah, yeah and I’m Julius Caesar.
K. – “No, I really am the king and I’m the undisputed leader of this fine body of men.”
H.S.O – “They don’t look very fine to me”
K. – “That’s because we ran out of supplies and they’ve been living on nuts and berries for the last few days and most of them have got dysentery.”
H.S.O. – “Alright, that’s it. I’m afraid I’m going to have to close down this operation without further notice. There’ll be no more invading of France for you, sunshine.
K. – “Sergeant-at-arms. I’ve no idea what planet this jester is from but, methinks, it’s certainly one unfamiliar to me. Take him away, remove his head and let’s start this confounded battle! Cry God for Harry, England and St George!”
(With apologies to William Shakespeare)