Category Archives: Humour

British Nationality

Posted on by

What a great summer this has been for British sport;  cyclist Bradley Wiggins winning the Tour de France, the phenomenal success of our athletes in both the Olympic and Paralympic Games and finally, tennis player  Andy Murray winning the US Open title earlier this week. Of course, in Murray’s case the Scottish Nationalists, in the form of Sir Sean Connery, had to make the point that Murray is Scottish and not British.

Well, actually, Sir Sean, Scotland (whether you like it or not) is still a part of the United Kingdom and the Scots like the English are collectively (and correctly) referred to as British. By way of illustration, the majority of Team GB gold medal winners in the Games were English but we English can still refer to them as British without any loss of national pride. I suppose, though, that the lack of a heavy weight on our shoulders is something of an advantage here.
We all know that Murray is proud to be a Scot and why not? We should all be proud of our roots whether we be of English, Scottish, Welsh or Northern Irish extraction. The fact is, however, we are still part of the Union and as long as we are the term ‘British’ can be used proudly by us all.
It’s funny isn’t it that Connery seems quite proud to use the title of Sir even though he quite clearly despises the authority who bestowed the honour upon him. A bit hypocritical, Sean, don’t you think? Oh, one more thing, Sean, today is the anniversary of the battle of Homildon Hill (September 14th, 1402) when the Scots were routed by the English. I don’t suppose you and your nationalist cronies will be marking the occasion. No? I didn’t think so.

Glad Tidings

Posted on by

What a wonderful time of year this is. People are so nice aren’t they? Complete strangers wishing you glad tidings as drunks stagger out of shop doorways dribbling their beer as they fondly slur “All the best mate” whatever that means! There seems to be so much good cheer and genuine affection amongst humanity that one is tempted to ask why it cannot be like this all the time.

Cynics will say that it’s all artificial and no more than  false bonhomie, and of course man being the selfish creature that he is couldn’t really give a monkeys about the well being of others.  Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps deep down most people are decent and kind but our lives are so complicated and we live it at such a fast pace that for most of the year we rarely open our eyes to see what is going on around us.

Christmas is, of course, first and foremost, a religious festival celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ but we don’t need to be religious nor even practising Christians to care for our fellow man. Is there any reason why we cannot be pleasant to one another all year long? Why should it just be limited to the month of December?

Anyway, it’s just a thought and if anybody is out there reading this, sober or otherwise, I wish you a Very Happy Christmas!

Stocking Up

Posted on by

How many times have you been asked “Have you got everything in for Christmas”?  Like what, I always wonder? It happens a lot though doesn’t it? Also, what is it about Christmas that causes normally rational folk to behave like sharks in a feeding frenzy? All over the country, at this very moment, there are people rushing up and down the supermarket aisles chucking stuff into their trolleys as though their lives depended upon it.

Little old ladies, as if possessed by demons, are kicking and pushing their way to the front of the queues barging past anybody unfortunate enough to be standing in their way. “Just stocking up for Christmas” they say, as they pile their loaves of bread, turkey breasts, gammon joints and bumper packs of mince pies on to the counter.

I wonder, do they know something I don’t? Are the shops going to be closed for the next three weeks? Maybe arctic blizzards will descend on Christmas Eve and paralyse the nation until the beginning of February? Ah yes, that must be it!

Win An All Expenses Paid Trip For Two To The Seychelles!

Posted on by
Not really, but it got your attention didn’t it? It’s funny how many competitions there are on television these days and how simple the questions are. For example, on Channel 4 last night there was a multiple choice question, as they always seem to be, which if answered correctly would give the winner some incredible prize such as that trip for two to the Seychelles. I can’t actually remember what the prize was so amazed was I by the question “What is the capital of the USA?” Is it a) Berlin, b) Paris or c) Washington DC? Mmmm, tricky but only if you are, or have the IQ of someone, aged 2 years!

Of course, the advertisers make their money by requiring you to text your answer to a number where you will be charged £1 per minute. I’ve never taken part but I can imagine that the welcome message including a description of the prize probably takes 5 minutes, followed by another 5 minutes taking your full details including name, address, marital status, date of birth, weight, hair colour, shoe size, favourite meal etc etc and finally another 5 minutes for you to answer the question! That amounts to £15 at £1 per minute and if, say 100,000 people (not that great a number out of possibly 5 million viewers) enter the competition as a result of that single advert then the return is £1.5 million. Some return.

Very clever advertising, of course, and more fool us for thinking we can win the competition, though presumably somebody does. As I puzzled over the answer I thought to myself what a crazy world we live in! Then another thought occurred to me, what if the competition is meant to be taken seriously and there really are people out there who will struggle to get the correct  answer? After all, we all know how bad our education system is and how many illiterate ill-educated 16 year old dullards are spewed out into the work place once that system has finished with them. What if there really are people out there who don’t know that Paris is the capital of the USA?! It doesn’t bear thinking about does it!