Category Archives: Humour

Hello Sailor!

Posted on by

There was quite a stir in the national newspapers following the suspension from duty of the first ever female commander of a Royal Navy warship who allegedly had an affair with one of her officers. Other than the obvious concerns over discipline and the morale of the rest of the crew I don’t see why anybody would be that bothered, let alone surprised.

Men and women working together away from home and for months at a time; is it really any wonder that it happened? After all boys will be boys and girls will be girls. Hasn’t it always been so in the navy? As Winston Churchill remarked, the Royal Navy was built on a tradition of “Rum, sodomy and the lash”! At least, this time, it wasn’t a case of the captain abusing the poor old cabin boy!

It seems to me that for as long as men and women work alongside one another affairs and sexual contact are as inevitable as a rainy day in Manchester. Perhaps the solution is to completely segregate the sexes and have ships for men and ships for women. Perhaps colour the ships differently, blue for boys and pink for girls! Maybe even blue and pink stripes for gays? Why not, it’s certainly a lot better than drab old grey!

Knowing Nothing

Posted on by

It’s strange isn’t it, that as youngsters, we know everything but then somehow, the older we get, all that knowledge just disappears!

Perhaps age brings with it a certain kind of wisdom and as Socrates, the Greek philosopher, said way back in the 5th century BC, the “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing”.

On the same subject another great thinker, Albert Einstein, once said “Any fool can know. The point is to understand”.

Funny that neither of those great men became politicians!

The Fifty First State?

Posted on by

Earlier this week it was announced that after 2020 every member of the European Union, without exception, will have to adopt the euro. Thus, unless we get our promised referendum and vote to leave the EU we have only six more years to enjoy the pound and the last vestiges of sovereignty and independence.
Since today is a very big day across the pond it occurred to me (and not for the first time either) that if the pro-Europeans are right (they are not) and we really cannot survive alone then let’s throw our lot in with a federation with whom we have something in common. Let the wheel turn full circle and instead of becoming a puppet state of Europe let’s rejoin our Atlantic cousins and become the 51st state of America. Here are 10 reasons why we should –
1.  They speak English (sort of!)
2.  No queues when flying into New York.
3.  Holidays in Hawaii complete with loud, sorry, colourful shirts.
4.  Free fireworks every 4th of July (it doesn’t matter what the celebrations are for)
5.  A decent national football (soccer) team that we can all be proud of (for a change!).
6.  Mardi Gras every February.
7.  Thanksgiving. So that’s two turkey dinners each winter instead of just the one.
8.  Micro-breweries in every city.
9.  Four proper seasons.
10.  The Clintons. Oh, actually …………………………..on second thoughts!
With or without the fireworks – Have a Very Happy 4th of July!

Football Unmuzzled

Posted on by

Evidently the grandmother of Luis Suarez, the disgraced Uruguayan footballer expelled from the world cup for biting an opponent for the third time in his career, complained that her grandson had been thrown out  “like a dog”.

Her comment is perfectly apposite; if her grandson behaves like a dog he can have no complaints if he is then treated like one.

Short of muzzling Suarez, or forcing him to wear one of those lampshade things that dogs wear to prevent them from self-harming, the football authorities had no choice but to throw him out of the competition.

That said, I’m in the camp of those who feel sorry for the guy; sorry that his supreme talent is blemished by what is clearly some sort of psychological problem. I hope he receives the help he needs.

 

English Understatement

Posted on by

We English are often said to possess a certain reserve and to be, on occasion, somewhat aloof. However, the other side of the coin is a rather unique gift for understatement, stoicism and an admirable coolness under pressure, commonly referred to as the “stiff upper lip”. Indeed, the British Government’s motivational slogan “Keep Calm and Carry On”, issued in poster form in 1939 at the outbreak of World War II has proved such a commercial success that, 75 years later, millions of T shirts, mugs and other paraphernalia bearing the slogan continue to be sold all over the world.

There are a number of historical examples of English stoicism such as Francis Drake’s insistence on completing his game of bowls before sailing from Plymouth to confront the mighty Spanish Armada in 1588. Or Wellington’s cool reaction as a cannon ball struck his aide, Lord Uxbridge, at Waterloo in 1815. “By God, sir, I’ve lost my leg”, exclaimed Uxbridge. “By God sir” replied Wellington, before calmly returning his gaze to the battle, “So you have!”.

For me though the piece de resistance (to use a foreign phrase!) and an excellent example of our sang-froid (another one!) is the way that Richmond Golf Club kept its collective head during the dark days of the Blitz in 1940. Rather than close the course down (and thus give a moral victory to the Nazis!) the Club’s committee decided to stay open and published some temporary rules for its members, as follows –

  1. Players are asked to collect Bomb and Shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.
  2. In competitions, during gunfire, or while bombs are falling, players may take cover without penalty for ceasing play.
  3. The positions of known delayed-action bombs are marked by red flags placed at reasonably, but not guaranteed safe distance therefrom.
  4. Shrapnel/and/or bomb splinters on the Fairways, or in Bunkers within a club’s length of a ball may be moved without penalty, and no penalty shall be incurred if a ball is thereby caused to move accidentally.
  5. A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced, or if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
  6. A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole without penalty.
  7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball from the same place. Penalty, one stroke.

The one stroke penalty in Rule 7 seems a little harsh but really, is there any wonder that Hitler lost the war?!

Bad Hair Day

Posted on by

Earlier this week an enterprising London hairdresser offended  the North Korean Embassy by daring to insult their illustrious leader Kim Jong-un.  In an advertisement to drum up business the hairdresser, Mo Nabbach, placed a poster in his shop window featuring a photograph of North Korea’s fun-loving and happy-go-lucky leader known as much for his strange hairstyle (now compulsory for all male North Korean students!) as for his crazy politics.  Beneath the photograph a caption announced, “Bad Hair Day? 15% off all cuts through the month of April”!

Evidently, the Embassy dispatched some stern besuited officials, clearly unused to British humour, let alone freedom of speech,  to the shop demanding that the poster be taken down claiming that it was disrespectful to their glorious leader. I have no idea what threats were made to the owner; perhaps they threatened to casserole the shop’s labrador (Lab-au-vin is quite a delicacy in Pyongyang so I understand) but anyway, it did the trick and the poster was duly removed.

 It was then put back up when supportive customers reminded the owner that the United Kingdom, unlike North Korea, is a free and democratic country where the only likelihood of a politician such as Kim Jong-un gaining power would be as leader of the Monster Raving Loony Party. How lucky we are to live in the West.

Sniffing About

Posted on by

We’ve all watched in bemusement as our dog greets one of its fellows by sticking its nose up the other’s nether regions or embarrassment when it places its head firmly in the crotch of your house guest. “Sorry”, you say, “he’s only being friendly”. Well, is he?

Evidently the latest dating craze is something called Pheromone Dating whereby singles attempt to find love based on smell. Of course, scientists and lovers alike have long talked of the necessity of there being the right chemistry between successful couples and of a chemical reaction taking place when you meet Mr or Mrs Right.

Online dating is huge business worldwide and the UK market alone is worth £2 billion a year so there is clearly plenty of demand for any new system designed to find you the love of your life.

Pheromone Dating involves you putting a piece of worn clothing in a numbered bag and inviting others present to have a sniff to see if it appeals. I understand that the item is normally from the upper body (thank goodness for that!) and is preferably a T shirt that you have slept in for three nights as opposed to something you may have worn at the gym for the last two to three weeks.

If a person likes what he/she smells then he/she will be photographed holding your numbered bag and his/her image displayed on a large screen so you can then decide whether or not to take matters further. This is a good idea and clearly removes the potential for any embarrassment concerning lack of physical attraction or gender preference.

So, Pheromone Dating, the future of love? I always suspected that old Rover was on to something!

Only in America!

Posted on by

I’m currently enjoying some time in the proud State of Tennessee, home of country music, Rock n’ Roll  and the Blues. It’s one of my favourite States, a fine place to visit and not just because of its rich music legacy. It is a place of rolling, beautiful countryside, spectacular mountains and great slow moving rivers like the Tennessee River, the Cumberland and of course the Mighty Mississippi.

Tennessee is also home to some pretty strange laws. Even though the famous Jack Daniels whiskey is distilled exclusively in the small town of Lynchburg, Tennessee it is not possible to actually buy the stuff in the town since the county where it is situated, is dry. If a county is “dry” it means that the public sale of alcohol is unlawful!

Throughout the whole State anybody wishing to purchase alcohol from a liquor store must be aged 21 or over and must produce personal id whatever their age. There are no exceptions; no id, no sale. It applies to many bars too. I know, it has happened to me several times and it’s a long, long time since I was the age of 21!

However, it’s comforting to know that even if you cannot purchase any alcohol it is still legal and perfectly acceptable for you to carry your gun into the bar provided it is concealed in your pocket or handbag and you are in possession of a gun permit. Like I said, pretty strange!

A Notable Anniversary

Posted on by

Today is the anniversary of the first speech made by a woman in Britain’s House of Commons, back in 1920. The woman was Nancy Astor, an American by birth, who became an MP in 1919 just one year after women were first granted the right to vote following the end of the First World War. Even then the right only applied to women over the age of 30 and it wasn’t until 1928 that women received the same voting rights as men.

Astor, who had become Lady Astor through marriage, was a formidable, energetic  and sharp-witted woman who more than held her own in the company of men (she was a noted sparring partner of Winston Churchill) and remained a Member of Parliament until her retirement in 1945. Among her most famous witticisms were – “I married beneath me. All women do!” and “One reason why I don’t drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time.”

I wonder what  she would make of the world today, which in spite of the two terrible world wars experienced in her lifetime, still shows no sign of settling down to lasting peace. Perhaps the world would be a safer place if it had more female leaders; men don’t seem to be doing that good a job of it, do they?

As Lady Astor herself said “Women have got to make the world safe for men since men have made it so darned unsafe for women.”

Singing for Love

Posted on by

We’re now well into  February and although winter is still with us our birds are definitely  getting ready for spring which is surely just around the corner. The robin is among the first to pair up for the breeding season and the sound of the little male sat on his frost covered branch is one of the earliest precursors of springtime.

He sits there proud as can be, bright red breast puffed out, singing his heart out, trying his best to entice a mate to flutter along and join him. Judging by the number of fledglings landing on our bird tables in the summer it seems to be a pretty successful ruse. A friend of mine tried it once but sadly without any success. His singing was ok but it all ended in tears when he fell out of the tree!

I like the robin, the national bird of England and an appropriate bird for our country; small, proud, feisty and defiant, punching well above his weight – like we used to do, once upon a time!