Category Archives: Crazy World

War on Illiteracy

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Recent news headlines have highlighted the Government proposals for a “war on illiteracy and numeracy” and an attack by the  Prime Minister “on school mediocrity”. Well, we do have an election in three months’ time so it’s hardly surprising that education (or lack of it) is to be one of the political battle grounds.

What caught my attention was the plan for every 11 year old to be able to pass a test on the 12 times table and to be able to write a short coherent story. I don’t want to hark back to “my day”, and I hope my memory doesn’t deceive me here, but I’m pretty sure that nearly every 7 or 8 year old in my rather ordinary state primary school class would have been able to do those things without too much difficulty.

Have standards really fallen that much in the last 50 years?  Certainly, when I look at some of the everyday examples of misspelling, punctuation and grammar displayed by adults I am not so sure. Here are some common errors.

First of all, the invention of the verb “of” as in stating or writing “I would of” instead of the correct “I would have” or “I would’ve”. Maybe my English studies were in some way deficient but I honestly cannot remember that particular verb!

Secondly, the confusion over the words “there”, “their” and “they’re” such as “I went to there house” or “Their will be lots of people at the party”. Is there any wonder that so many children are illiterate if this is the sort of example they receive from their parents’ generation?

Lastly, the use of “your” instead of “you are” or “you’re”. I remember once sitting on a Florida beach (thankfully, poor grammar is not a British monopoly!) when a light aircraft flew over the sun-kissed sands trailing a banner which read “Chelsea Your Amazing”.

I cringed and thought how sad that some guy (could have been a girl, of course) had paid all that money only for his message of love to be completely screwed up. Then I thought, rather cynically, the guy is probably so rich that the object of his affection is unlikely to be bothered by his illiteracy, assuming of course, that the lovely Chelsea was aware of it in the first place!

I doubt she would of made a fuss though and I imagine that there happily married by now!

Reverse Karma

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Earlier this week, during a visit to London, like most capital cities a busy and often impersonal place, two events occurred causing me to re-evaluate that viewpoint.

Firstly, after leaving the Underground at Green Park I stopped at a fruit stall. I told the seller that I had no change and asked him would he be able to give change for a £20 note. He said “Yes, I suppose so unless you just want a banana”.

I replied, laughing, “Actually that’s exactly what I want”! He said “Well take one anyway and pay me when you walk past again”. I replied that I wouldn’t be passing that way again and he told me not to worry and to just take one. I said “No, I can’t do that. I’ll get some change from another stall”.

So I bought some mints and a Snickers bar from a nearby stall and, armed with my change, returned and paid 30p for the banana. He even gave me the biggest of the bunch!

I thanked him and carried on my journey with a good feeling about the world.

Three minutes later I turned a corner and suddenly a clearly distressed young woman stopped in front of me, said she was desperate and asked me “Please, don’t walk away”. She told me that she had had an argument with her boyfriend and had walked out of his flat but without any money to get to her home, several miles away to the south of the City. She said she was telling the truth and would leave her mobile phone with me as surety for any money I gave her!

She seemed genuinely upset and so I asked her how much the train fare was. She replied that it was £14. I said I wouldn’t give her that but would give her some change. I gave her a £2 coin and she expressed her gratitude and walked off (still with her cell phone, of course!) no doubt with the intention of confronting somebody else.

Was I scammed? I don’t know. On balance I probably was  but it didn’t matter and after the kindness of the fruit seller there was plenty of goodwill in the bank. Two different ends of the human spectrum and karma in reverse. Whatever, it was worth an extra £2 for the banana!

Some You Loose

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I apologise for the fact that within the space of three days this blog features, yet again, Britain’s “Best-Loved Newspaper”, or however else the Sun comic describes itself these days, but on Saturday morning I noticed their back page headline, “Winners and Loosers!”

The headline referred to a football match the previous evening, during which the “Loosers”, a very large wealthy club, failed to defeat their much smaller and poorer opposition. Perhaps the journalist (and editor) concerned were cracking some sort of joke, maybe because the manager of the “Loosers” is Dutch and he, perhaps, pronounces the word “Lose” as though it has an extra “o”. I have no idea but I hope that is the case.

Political commentators and education experts regularly inform us that literacy standards are at a very low level in the UK and so the most disturbing aspect of the Sun’s headline is the thought that the vast majority of the paper’s 2.2 million daily readership wouldn’t have even noticed the difference.

Drunken Assault

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There has been considerable publicity recently about whether or not a stronger stance should be taken against drink and drug fuelled violence, which sadly seems to be on the increase. Frankly, it’s surprising that the question even needs to be asked.

Newspaper reports are full of stories of innocent people abused and attacked by aggressive drunks and drug-filled crazies. We hear of policemen and other emergency responders being attacked as they try to assist victims and even hospital doctors and nurses assaulted as they administer medical treatment.

Enough is enough. This epidemic (and that is not too strong a word) has to be addressed immediately because, left alone, it certainly isn’t going to get any better. Prior to Christmas a leading doctor suggested that drunks receiving hospital treatment as a result of their excesses should pay for that treatment. He is right, they should. Anybody disagreeing with that should ask themselves how they would feel if they or their loved ones required urgent medical aid but couldn’t  receive it because ambulances and hospital wards were already committed to treating drunks and druggies.

There is nothing wrong with people enjoying themselves and having a good time and most of us have at some time drunk one too many. The point however, is why should innocent people suffer from other’s lack of control and responsibility? The message needs to be sent out, drink and take drugs to excess if you wish but be prepared to pay the price for your irresponsible and excessive behaviour in the criminal courts.

Visit Australia

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Australians are renowned for their relaxed attitude and lack of reverence and the enquiry section of a national tourism website seems to sum this up perfectly. Here is a sample of questions and answers taken from the website –

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?
A. Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the rail-road tracks?
A. Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia?
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.
A. Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I have a question about a famous Australian animal, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees.
A. It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

The next three questions refer to a district of Sydney called King’s Cross, politely known as the city’s red light district –

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn’t… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule?
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is … oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q. I was in Australia in 1969 and I want to contact a girl I dated whilst staying in King’s Cross. Can you help?
A. Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

You really couldn’t make this up! Priceless!

Meaning of Christmas?

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The campaign group, Christmas Starts with Christ, recently announced the results of a survey which revealed that a third of British children aged between 10 and 13 do not know that Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus. It also revealed that among the adult population one half feel that the birth of Jesus is irrelevant to their festive celebrations. How sad.

To many, Christmas is therefore simply a time of excess, excess food, excess alcohol and excess spending. Still, as long as that is combined with an excess of happiness, peace and goodwill then I suppose nobody can complain too much.

Well, not until the credit card bills start to arrive in the New Year! Merry Christmas!

Lazy British?

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Barely a day goes by without newspapers complaining about foreigners taking British jobs and British companies hiring labour from abroad. A recent report told of building firms employing Polish and Romanian bricklayers because of a shortage of British talent. Another told of high street caterers having to ship in sandwiches from Hungary because they couldn’t find British workers prepared to perform the work.

This is all rather mystifying when, at the same time, we are told that unemployment levels remain high throughout the country and millions of Britons are living on state benefits. Common sense surely dictates that a marrying together of available work with willing workers results in a solution to the problem. Of course, the key word is “willing”.

The problem was neatly encapsulated for me a couple of weeks ago in Manchester city centre, although it could have been virtually any British city or town. As I walked down the busy street I noticed two foreign speaking black women busily setting up a makeshift market stall of cardboard boxes from which to sell scarves, hats and gloves. Next to them was an apparently able bodied young white British man sat on the ground playing with his mobile phone, his two dogs sat by his feet. In front of him was a begging bowl. Enough said.

A Fool and His Money

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It was reported last week that an estranged couple, fighting over the sum of £500,000, spent nearly three times that amount, namely the princely sum of £1.3 million, in legal costs.

Not surprisingly, the judge presiding over the case referred to their behaviour as “truly absurd” which is one way of describing their mind-blowingly crass stupidity. When will people learn that on nine occasions out of ten the only beneficiaries from aggressive litigation are the lawyers?

Truly, a fool and his money are soon parted and this story brought to mind a favourite rhyme by the late American poet, Richard Armour – “That money talks I’ll not deny. I heard it once, it said ‘Goodbye’!”

Still, the lawyers, saying “Hello” to that money, must have been laughing all the way to the bank. Followed, no doubt, by a visit to the travel agents to book their luxury Christmas holiday in the Maldives!

Black Friday

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Last Friday we enjoyed, not the right word I know considering the undignified scrapping and punch-ups at stores up and down the country, a relatively new phenomenon (at least for us in the UK) called “Black Friday”.

It is, of course, an American phenomenon which occurs the day following Thanksgiving when, after a surfeit of turkey, Budweiser and Football (the NFL variety), our American cousins pile into the stores to grab bargains at knock-down prices.

We already have a similar shopping frenzy on Boxing Day when shoppers, for some inexplicable reason still not sated by the pre-Christmas spending splurge, think nothing of leaving their cosy warm beds to camp outside stores on a usually cold, wet, wintry night to await opening time and a dogfight for bargains.

Why we would want to copy the Americans and do the same thing the day after Thanksgiving, a day that I imagine most of the shoppers shown on our television screens on Friday night could barely spell, let alone celebrate, is beyond me.

Still, it allowed the rest of the world to see just how far our multicultural society has advanced.

Hitting the Target

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After 30 years the Band Aid Christmas record is to be re-launched as Band Aid 30, but instead of Bob Geldoff telling us to give our “F+++ing money” to relieve famine in Africa we are now being urged to hand it over to defeat the threat of the Ebola virus in the same continent. It’s a nice idea. If only it were that simple.

It isn’t, of course, and I can immediately think of two reasons why many people may decide to make their charitable donations elsewhere.

Firstly, whilst I have no doubt that the members of Band Aid 30 have the best of intentions in releasing their Christmas record (and at the same time pushing their careers a little further into the limelight!) it does seem a little incongruous for the general public to be told by multi-millionaire pop-stars what to do with their hard earned money. Incongruous and patronising; why don’t these stars just quietly divert some of their own private fortunes to such a worthy cause? Maybe they do.

Secondly, the original Band Aid 1984 was hardly an unqualified success with subsequent reports showing that millions of pounds worth of aid ended up paying for weapons, mansions, luxury cars and boats for corrupt rebel warlords. I am sure that a sizeable proportion of the aid went to the appropriate targets but that isn’t enough.

If the public are to be encouraged to provide charitable relief they need to know that that relief is going to the intended beneficiary. Can Bob Geldoff and his friends provide such a guarantee?