I wer talkin to a mate a mine the other day wile we was in pub an I sed wot a sham it wer that alot of peepel thees days ave got no ideer abowt spellin punchyuasian or grammer an that he agrede an sed your ded rite john so tru an I sed I fine it reelly frusst…furst….frut…… o bolloks anoyin lol an it gets on me nervs ave they got no cloo abowt that stuf didunt they doo anythin at skool other than fool abowt at the bak of the klass not payin attenshun an gettin in trubbel with the teecher an get no educashun I reelly do dispair an am sory for avin a rant an I cud of sed mor but it gets me goin big tyme aneeway not to wurree ave a gud day wont yer
Category Archives: Crazy World
American Service
As most travellers to the USA will tell you, service in restaurants, cafes and bars tends to be of a pretty high standard and perhaps too much so for British sensibilities. Tourists from the old country can be a little overwhelmed, as the following encounter in an American diner nicely illustrates –
Waitress (enthusiastically) – “Hi there! My name is Britney and I’m pleased to be your server today. What can I get you?”
British Tourist (somewhat less excitedly) – “I’d like a hamburger please”
W. “Certainly and how would you like it cooked?”
BT.“Eh?”
W. “Would you like it well-done, medium or rare?”
BT. (thinks – I ordered a burger, not a steak) “Er, medium, I suppose”
W. “Sure and would you like cheese with that?”
BT. (If I wanted cheese I would have ordered a bl***y cheeseburger!) “Yeah, ok.”
W. “What kind of cheese would you like?”
BT. “What?”
W. “We’ve got Swiss, American or Provolone”
BT. (What the h*** is Provolone?) “Well, since I’m in America I’ll have American, please.”
W. “Great choice! What kind of bread would you like?”
BT. (What the …?) “Oh, I’ll have it on a roll please.”
W. “We’ve got white, brown, wheat, kaiser or reuben.”
BT. (Give me strength!) “Er, wheat please.”
W. “That would be my choice! Oh, and it comes with lettuce, tomato and onion.”
BT. “Lovely, thanks.”
W. “Would you like fries or, for an extra dollar, sweet potato fries?”
BT. (For F**k’s sake, just bring me the bl***y burger.) “Oh, yes, I’ll have the sweet potato fries please.”
W. “Awesome. Coming right up! What would you like to drink? We’ve got coffee, sweet tea, unsweetened tea and….”
BT. (You’re taking the p***!) “No, no thanks. That’ll be all thank you very much.”
Shake It
Today is February 29th, a rare day occurring once every four years, in what we know as leap years. Evidently adjustments have to be made to the calendar due to the time taken by the Earth to revolve around the Sun, or something like that. That’s all very well but what about the poor folk who were born on February 29th? They only get to eat birthday cake every four years.
One person with a February 29th birthday was a young Manchester woman called Ann Lee, who, in 1770, apparently following a vision, broke away from the Quaker church to form a new religious movement called the United Society of Believers in Christ’s Second Appearing. It was based on sexual equality, pacifism, a communal economy and celibacy. They were nicknamed the “Shaking Quakers” (sounds like a 1960s pop band to me) due to their ecstatic dancing, singing and shouting when at worship.
In 1774 Ann and her followers relocated to the USA (where else?) and the church exists to this very day but under the more recognisable name of the “Shakers”.
It all sounds fair enough if you like that sort of thing but one thing puzzles me. If all Shakers are celibate how have they been able to increase their membership and how come they are still in existence 250 years after their founding?
Thought for the Day
Religion or lack of it is a very personal thing and people should be tolerated and respected for their beliefs or lack of them – provided, that is, they leave everybody else alone.
In modern Britain there are three main religions, namely (and in chronological order from when they were founded) Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Followers of all three are convinced that they, and only they, worship the true God.
This therefore means that two of them are mistaken and their followers are going to end up disappointed.
How unfortunate to spend your whole life worshipping the wrong God!
The Girl from Ipanema
Yesterday, I took a stroll along Copacabana beach, Rio, heading towards Ipanema beach – not a bad way to spend a Sunday afternoon, I’ll admit! – and almost inevitably, I suppose, found myself humming that wonderful classic “The Girl from Ipanema” written in 1962 by two local musicians and recorded by countless artists since.
It’s a truly lovely song about beauty and desire and I couldn’t help but think about the ephemeral nature of the former. The “Girl” in the song, will now be aged about 75 years and sadly, I imagine, the lyrics no longer apply.
The lines “Tall and tanned and young and lovely the girl from Ipanema goes walking……..” could now translate to “Small and wrinkled and old and tubby the granny from Ipanema goes shuffling….!” How cruel, but how cruel life can be for those obsessed by their physical appearance.
There is of course, a beauty far deeper than that limited merely to the skin and, as they say, it is the beauty within that really matters. Or is that something with which we console ourselves as the years advance?
Probably, but personally I prefer to think of the “Girl from Ipanema” as ageing gracefully with style and class. If not, we’ll just have to console ourselves by admiring her granddaughters instead!
Seeing the Good
It is strange how some people never seem to have anything pleasant or positive to say, whatever the circumstances. People suffering from depression or other serious illness or conditions can be exempted since they can hardly be expected to be cheerful and bubbly. But I’m not talking about them, I’m talking about people who continually moan, groan and generally grumble about everything even when (and particularly when) they seem to have little cause for complaint.
Life is not easy and for some it can be extremely difficult but life can perhaps be made more bearable by stopping to take stock of what you have got rather than what you haven’t; in other words, counting your blessings. So, for those whose default setting is negative can I suggest a mental check list of positives. Here are some examples –
- It’s a beautiful day.
- I’m solvent.
- I’ve got food on the table.
- I’m healthy and so are most of my family.
- I have some wonderful friends.
- I’m alive.
Obviously, these can be ticked or crossed out as necessary but the last point should form a pretty good base for a positive outlook, particularly when considering the alternative!
Anyway, the bottom line to those whose glass is always half empty, open your eyes and see what a beautiful world we live in. Try a little harder to see the good rather than just the bad. Give the rest of us a break and……..stop bloody whingeing!
Growing Old Disgracefully!
I’m staying in Santiago, Chile at the moment where, last night, The Rolling Stones began their tour of South America. I had no idea that I would be here at the same time as one of England’s finest bands but quickly became acquainted with that fact as I traversed a city full of advertising signs and billboards together with ‘Stones merchandise vendors selling their wares on many a street corner.
The band, often referred to as “The Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the World” (a sobriquet few would dispute, at least as far as bands still in existence are concerned) have been making headlines since they first hit the public’s consciousness in the early 1960s, meaning that they have been performing and making hit records for six decades. That’s no mean feat.
I saw them perform in Manchester in 1990 and even then, I thought they were old, and that was 26 years ago! The band members, now all 70 years plus, show no sign of slowing down and the Jagger/Richards axis remains as powerful as ever even though Keith Richards, the musical driving force of the band, must be at least 120!
The Rolling Stones remain a global band and a global brand recognisable across the planet and their fans span whole generations. I bet half the concert goers are younger than the band’s offspring!
Good, the ‘Stones longevity is a wonderful achievement and a demonstration to all who feel a little dated that age is no barrier to excellence and achievement. Provided the mind is active and the body willing surely all things are possible.
We must seize opportunities with both hands, holding on tightly until Father Time decrees that it’s time to let go. The Rolling Stones are a fine example of that philosophy. As they say in this neck of the woods, “Viva Los Rolling Stones”!
Crisis in Europe
To anybody possessing even a modicum of common sense, the crisis caused by largely unsupervised mass migration to Europe can hardly have come as a surprise. Last year in Germany alone the country’s premier, Angela Merkel, authorised the entrance of over a million migrants and that’s not counting illegal immigrants. Here in the UK our Prime minister, David Cameron, was a little more cautious and was promptly and loudly criticised by liberal and politically correct idealists for (in their opinion) not doing enough to take in more refugees. Those critics have been rather quiet since the turn of the year.
The result of Europe’s naïve policies has been a crisis of untold proportions and consequences with EU member states turning on one another, passing the buck and blaming everybody but themselves whilst trying to cope with the virtually unmanageable influx of immigrants and refugees. Last week the French Prime Minister was quoted as saying that the EU is at “grave risk” and “our societies will be totally destabilised” without a change in policy.
Socially, the results of the EU’s policies have been even more disastrous with the New Year’s Eve attacks by mobs of young Muslim men on Western women in Cologne particularly but also in Helsinki, Stockholm and other European cities. Following incidents in swimming pools and other public places some cities have even set up classes to try and teach these men that in Western society all are equal and women do not exist merely to be exploited and sexually abused.
There has been a predictable response and backlash by right wing groups who have taken to the streets to express their opposition to the EU’s immigration policies and numerous violent clashes have occurred presenting the sorely-pressed forces of law and order with yet more problems.
Whilst Europe’s politicians are now waking up to this alarming crisis and struggling for answers there is surely one question that needs to be asked. Why is it that they are undoubtedly careful as to who they invite into their homes but not so when it comes to their countries? For sure, the whole of Europe is now beginning to pay the price for their carelessness and stupidity.
Over the Limit
There was some alarming news for drinkers (well, possibly!) at the end of last week when the Government issued new guidelines for alcohol consumption.
It was announced that the previous guidelines were inaccurate and medical experts now recommend that an adult male should consume no more than 14 units of alcohol per week instead of the old 28 units. For women the recommendation is even less
A unit equates to approximately half a pint of average strength beer so therefore an adult male should drink a total of no more than 7 pints of beer a week. A week! I know some blokes who drink double that on a Friday night and then repeat it the following day! So, in effect they are drinking 4 week’s supply on a single weekend. This could mean the end of rugby as we know it!
Like most people, I do take note of these guidelines and take on board what is said. Also like most people I then make my own mind up about what is right for me personally. Life is short and none of us know what is around the corner, praise the Lord. So thank you, medical experts for all your hard work and advice but, irresponsible as this undoubtedly is, I for one will be carrying on regardless. Cheers!
Happy Birthday
Today, January 8th, is a big day for birthdays and a celebration for fans of rock n roll’s greatest and most influential icon, Elvis Presley. It’s hard to exaggerate how big Elvis was – and I’m not just talking about hamburgers and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches here! He was a music phenomenon and it is highly unlikely that modern music would be what it is now had he not lived. The Beatles were massively influenced by the early Elvis and John Lennon once said “Before Elvis there was nothing”.
Had he survived, Elvis would have been 81 today although there are plenty of people who believe he still does judging by sales of the “Elvis lives!” T shirts. Mind you, some folk still believe that the world is flat and the United Kingdom is a world power!
One of England’s most influential and talented music artists, David Bowie, who set many a music and fashion trend in the 1970’s and 1980’s and continues to do so, shares a birthday with the King as does the scientist and genius Professor Stephen Hawking.
Unfortunately, it all goes downhill from now on since today is also the birthday of Kim Jong-un, the chubby-chopped, bad-hair-day, megalomaniac leader of North Korea. Last week the self-styled “Glorious Leader” announced that North Korea was on a permanent war footing and a couple of days ago revealed (no doubt in furtherance of world peace) that his country had tested and exploded yet another nuclear bomb. Would it be uncharitable to hope that he chokes on his birthday cake?
Common Sense 