Category Archives: Crazy World

Blame Anybody but Yourself.

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Last week we were treated to the unedifying and undignified sight of people queuing up outside petrol stations filling their cars and vans up with fuel, bringing garages to a standstill, creating traffic jams and generally causing chaos on the surrounding roads. By the end of the week apparently one fifth of petrol stations nationwide had completely sold out of fuel and this was all due to the threat of a national strike by tanker drivers. Just the threat of a strike, mind; so what on earth is it going to be like if and when they actually do go on strike?

There were all sorts of tales in the national press of people filling cans full of diesel and petrol,  plastic bottles, squeezy washing up bottles and even some little old lady filling up dozens of jam jars! It’s almost unbelievable isn’t it? Well, only almost because we should never underestimate the stupidity of some members of the public. Unfortunately, there was one very sad and near tragic incident where one lady decided to transfer some petrol from a petrol can to a jug. That in itself might not have been too problematical but the transfer took place in a kitchen near to a lit oven. Just read that last sentence again and pause for a moment.

Inevitably, the fuel exploded and the lady suffered 40% burns. It must have been horrible but whose fault was it? According to many of the Sunday newspapers the person to blame is Francis Maude, the cabinet minister who announced the threat of the strike and advised people to fill their spare “jerry can” with fuel and keep it in the garage. Not a bad piece of advice you’d think although, being strictly logical, storing fuel is going to create a risk particularly if your garage catches fire. That’s the official and sensible line of the Fire Service but tell that to the thousands of people who keep spare cans of fuel in their garages and sheds for use when the lawn mower needs topping up.

If it really is so dangerous to store fuel than why is it that petrol stations, motor shops and DIY stores sell those green plastic gallon containers manufactured specifically with fuel storage in mind? As for blaming a third party for the foolish actions of an independent and free thinking individual then may the Lord help us; is there really no such thing as individual responsibility anymore?

Hackers and the Like

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Earlier this week my computer started behaving strangely and caused some very dodgy emails to be sent to my entire contact list which, in the absence of anti-virus protection, could have caused some nasty problems for the recipients. I am too ignorant of computers to know how this could have occurred but it seems that my email account was hacked and that led to the problem. I have since, on the advice of an expert, changed my password and all now seems to be in order.

This is apparently a fairly common problem and the question I feel compelled to ask is “why”, why on earth would somebody want to spread a virus such as this when there is no apparent gain to be had? I can understand the criminal who hacks into bank or credit card accounts and I can even understand the thinking behind those requests for money from supposed Nigerian heiresses trying desperately to access their millions but who are unable to do so unless some kind person first provides their UK bank account details! Surely nobody has ever been suckered into that one?

No, what I cannot understand is the sort of person who gets a kick simply from damaging other people’s computers. I imagine the perpetrator is probably a pathetic, pale, spotty-faced billy-no-mates living in an artificially lit attic room living on a diet of baked beans on toast and who when not on his computer spends his time analysing 1947 train timetables. He (and I’m sure it must be a he) is clearly very intelligent. It’s just a shame that his sick mind hasn’t developed sufficiently for him to use it productively.

Little Princess Syndrome

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Driving through leafy Cheshire yesterday I came up behind a battered hatchback with two signs in the rear window. The first proclaimed “Little Princess on board” and the second “Grandparent Driving!” with a cartoon drawing of a car complete with zig-zag skid marks, presumably because that’s the way grandparents drive, although I think it’s a rather unfair presumption.

Anyway, not wishing to stay behind an erratically driven vehicle I overtook it and instead of a doddery octogenarian I noticed that the car was driven by a grossly overweight younger woman who I suppose could quite possibly have been the grandparent of the “Little Princess” although it was difficult to tell without getting closer and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to do that! There was no sign of a little person, “Princess” or otherwise, though perhaps she’d fallen to the floor as a result of her grandmother’s erratic driving.

The point I’m coming to, rather belatedly I have to admit, is why on earth people insist on displaying these inane stickers in the backs of their cars. There are so many on show these days (mostly in battered hatchbacks it seems to me!) with a variety of slogans such as “Little Cupcake on Board”, “Baby on board” or “Little Chelsea fan on board”. Why do they put them there? Are we expected to alter our driving in the presence of a “Princess” or “Cupcake”? Are we supposed to pull back an extra ten yards so that the overweight half-wit driving her hatchback can hog the road like she hogs her double burger and chips?

I’m pleased for any proud parent, I really am, since parenthood is undoubtedly one of the great joys of life, and I wish them all the luck in the world. Honestly though, can they not just keep it to themselves or at least to their family and friends because, as far as the rest of us are concerned, we really couldn’t give a damn who is in their car whether it be a princess, a cocker spaniel or a Benedictine monk!

Human Rights For All?

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UK citizen, Christopher Tappin, was recently  extradited to the USA to await trial for allegedly selling weapon parts to the Iranians. He’s not actually been convicted of any crime in this country (nor it has to be said anywhere else) and it appears that he has lived lawfully and peacefully in the UK for all of his 65 years.

Without even a brief examination of the evidence compiled against him by the American authorities he was duly flown to the USA where he spends some 23 hours a day in solitary confinement. Earlier this week his application for bail before a Texas court, in front of whom  he appeared in chains, was dismissed. He will therefore wait in his cell until such time as the US government decides to try him.
Meanwhile back in the UK, Abu Qatada, a Jordanian national wanted by his country for various terrorist related crimes is free to remain in the UK because the European Court of Human Rights say that the Jordanians may well use evidence against him obtained through torture. This is a man who with his links to Al-Qaeda, was described by a British judge as “Bin Laden’s right hand man in Europe” . The UK government regards him as sufficiently dangerous to warrant the spending of £100,000 per week of taxpayers’ money on surveillance to make sure that he doesn’t carry out any of the threats he has repeatedly made to destroy innocent lives in this country and others.
In summary, suspected international terrorist and Jordanian national Abu Qatada has the human right to remain in the UK but UK citizen Christopher Tappin, suspected of crimes by the US Government, does not. There’s something not quite right here don’t you think? 

Speak English?

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One of the joys of travel is having a stab at foreign languages even if it’s just ordering a beer or wishing somebody good morning. Putting the boot on the other foot I’ve often thought that the English language with its many inconsistencies and anomalies, must be extremely difficult for foreigners to master; let’s face it, it’s not exactly easy for us at times!


Many countries, such as Thailand, from where I’m writing this, have a different alphabet (the Thai alphabet has 44 letters as opposed to our 26) so that can hardly make it any easier. In spite of this, and in spite of the fact that we British are probably the worst foreign language speakers in the world (due of course to the fact that most of the world speaks or understands English) we still laugh, rather uncharitably it has to be said, when foreigners make a hash of our language.


I was walking through a city plaza in Chiang Rai the other night when my attention was grabbed by a menu outside a cafe. When I’d managed to control my helpless laughter I copied it out word for word  –

The moustache is tiny squid roasts – sold out
The demon moustache squid roasts – 20 baht (40p)
The banana squid/egg squid roasts – 30-50 baht
The ark shell scalds/burns – sold out
The shrimp burns – 60-100 baht
The meatball fries. Every the wood – 50 baht

If I’d had a translator with me perhaps I might have tried something; certainly the demon moustache squid roasts sounded interesting! However, I gave it a miss and carried on walking until I saw another place advertising “North Eastern Labrador”! I was told that it was, in fact, a pork dish but bearing in mind that they do eat dog in some parts of the country I wasn’t going to take a chance!

Travel certainly broadens the mind alright.

Facebook Reveals All

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Evidently Facebook is to force something called Timeline on its users. This will allow others to quickly obtain information on any Facebook user by searching accurately via date rather than by haphazardly searching through endless data. Many subscribers, frightened of the embarrassment that a revelation of past indiscretions will cause, are now actively trying to persuade the owners of Facebook to scrap Timeline.

Two things occur to me here. Firstly, why would anybody (or at least anybody over the age of adolescence and/or with half a brain) want to post revealing photographs of themselves on Facebook for all to see? Does it not occur to them that not everybody is going to be impressed by photographs showing them smashed out of their brains whilst in a compromising position with somebody they shouldn’t be with?

Many employers, wishing to take on somebody under the age of 30, would probably have a good scan of Facebook just to make sure that they are appointing the right person. I imagine that a photograph of that person sat naked on a photocopier whilst throwing up over his/her friends at the previous employer’s Christmas party is hardly going to be an inducement to sign them up.

Secondly, I’ve always thought that there is a conceit in Facebook users thinking that anybody could really give a damn about what they do in their spare time. Yes, we all like a drink. Yes, we all like a laugh and yes, we all do silly things from time to time. So what? You’ve got a life and you like to have fun. Excellent, just get on with it and stop boring the pants off the rest of us.

We’ve all done daft things in our lives; things that we may be embarrassed by or ashamed of, things that are best forgotten and left hidden in the mists of time. The last thing we’d want (or so you’d think) is for these things to be revealed to all and sundry. Frankly, if anybody is big-headed or stupid enough to willingly post details of their indiscretions on the worldwide web they deserve everything they get.

Male Aggression

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Today’s edition of the journal “Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society” (no, I’d never heard of it before today either) reveals that male sex drive is the root cause of most of the world’s violence from football to wars. Really? I wonder how much the scientists behind this story were paid for stating the bl**ding obvious!

Evidently, the report continues, men are shaped by evolution to be aggressive to “outsiders”. Well, of course they are. Traditionally, man has always been the hunter-gatherer whilst woman has always been the homemaker and family carer – no matter what shaven-headed feminists might say to the contrary. Since the days of the cavemen the male of the species has always defended the home or settlement against outsiders and has always dealt with intruders and rivals in an aggressive manner. Through time this developed on to a tribal and national level and any cursory glance at the history books of any nation in the world will show centuries of male-led and executed violence from the Greeks to Genghis Khan and from the Romans to the Nazis. It’s what men do, unfortunately.

The report, again stating the obvious, concludes that women tend to resolve their conflicts peacefully, although on second thoughts, when I consider my time as a divorce lawyer,  perhaps it isn’t quite so obvious after all! Women are  evidently programmed  “to protect and befriend” their offspring and this certainly makes sense.

Women have much to teach us men (with the clear exceptions of parking and reversing!) and maybe if there were more women in positions of power throughout the world it would be a safer place. I’m sure that there would be fewer wars. I can’t imagine that many mothers would willingly risk the lives of their sons by sending them off to battle, can you?

Fat Britain

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We are often told by medical experts and government officials that the UK is in the flabby grip of an obesity epidemic although, frankly, you’d have to live in a monastery or be completely housebound with no television to be unaware of this fact. The briefest of visits to your local high street will certainly give you the impression that we have been taken over by thousands of invaders from the Planet Blubber or the offspring of Jabba the Hut!

It’s sometimes hard to make your way down supermarket aisles, blocked as they are by huge beasts loading their trolleys with frozen pizzas, bogof own-brand sausages and multipacks of Walkers crisps. Fastfood shops are packed full of customers salivating at the thought of their 24 deepfried chicken pieces loaded into gallon size cardboard buckets and young girls, their huge guts bloated by a lifetime of chip fat and fried bread, stand around swigging cola and smoking cheap cigarettes in between their feeds. Yes, welcome to modern Britain.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise that some people cannot help their weight, whether through some medical condition or inherited genes, and they deserve our sympathy, support and respect. The others not so.

The icing on the cake (burger more like) was a report earlier this week that some NHS hospitals are concerned that some of their patients are so grossly overweight that they are unable to pass through hospital CT scanners. The scanners were not designed for such large beings and so some hospitals are considering asking their local zoos if they can use their animal CT scanners which are evidently able to scan patients of 30 stones and over! Apparently, this is a fairly common occurrence in the USA where they have had a problem with obesity for many years. Still, good to see that we are catching up.

Travel Bureaucracy

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Readers of this blog (and you both know who you are!) will remember that I posted two blogs last summer about the inconsistencies and anomalies of UK airport security. Most of us who travel regularly know the rules, the red tape and the hoops that we have to jump through to get from A to B and generally we play along, co-operate fully and emerge unscathed at the other end. Well, I have to hold my hands up and admit that, last week, I momentarily forgot the rules and did a terrible thing.

I tried to smuggle a 200ml can of shaving gel through Manchester Security. I know, I know, what a thing to admit to! I’m sorry to shock you like this but I have to say that it was an act of thoughtlessness rather than outright criminality and never ever before have I tried to break the 100ml limit.

As the sombre official confiscated the offending can I shrugged my shoulders and smiled sheepishly at her, half expecting an armed guard to burst through the crowds and spread eagle me against the wall. That didn’t happen, of course, and the official even gave me the option to fly the can through as hold luggage at a cost of £25. No thanks, I’m more of a Gillette than a Calvin Klein man and 5 euros would easily buy a replacement, though I was grateful for the kind offer.

What I wanted to ask, was firstly, why would the can be less dangerous in the hold than in the cabin? Secondly, why is a can containing 200ml of shaving gel more lethal than a can containing 100ml? Of course, nobody knows the answers because there are no answers. These are just ridiculous, ill-conceived, ill-thought out, knee-jerk European Union laws drafted by some guy chained up in a dark Brussels basement. Our job is not to question, it is simply to accept the rules and get on with it.

I did some research though and the guy in the basement has now decided that it is in fact ok to travel with larger quantities of liquids. The trouble is though that the present rules will remain in force until April 29th, 2013. Why ………….oh, forget it!

The Way of the World

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This fine New Year’s morning I decided to walk to the local village petrol station store to purchase a newspaper. I picked up my copy from the outside display cabinet and headed inside to pay only to be stopped in my tracks by an employee who came out to tell me that the store didn’t open until 10am; it was then 9.50am.

Of course, she could have taken the money from me (I had the exact change) and could have scanned another copy at her leisure, to keep the accounts tidy, once 10am had arrived. Clearly, that would have been too much trouble for her and so I put the paper back and off I walked to the village newsagents about a half mile away to try again. Here it was a different story because the newsagents, run by an Asian family, had been open since 5am and the cheerful lad behind the counter was more than willing to serve yet another customer.

Quite a good synopsis of the modern world, I felt.

Happy New Year!