Author Archives: johnengland55

English Understatement

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We English are often said to possess a certain reserve and to be, on occasion, somewhat aloof. However, the other side of the coin is a rather unique gift for understatement, stoicism and an admirable coolness under pressure, commonly referred to as the “stiff upper lip”. Indeed, the British Government’s motivational slogan “Keep Calm and Carry On”, issued in poster form in 1939 at the outbreak of World War II has proved such a commercial success that, 75 years later, millions of T shirts, mugs and other paraphernalia bearing the slogan continue to be sold all over the world.

There are a number of historical examples of English stoicism such as Francis Drake’s insistence on completing his game of bowls before sailing from Plymouth to confront the mighty Spanish Armada in 1588. Or Wellington’s cool reaction as a cannon ball struck his aide, Lord Uxbridge, at Waterloo in 1815. “By God, sir, I’ve lost my leg”, exclaimed Uxbridge. “By God sir” replied Wellington, before calmly returning his gaze to the battle, “So you have!”.

For me though the piece de resistance (to use a foreign phrase!) and an excellent example of our sang-froid (another one!) is the way that Richmond Golf Club kept its collective head during the dark days of the Blitz in 1940. Rather than close the course down (and thus give a moral victory to the Nazis!) the Club’s committee decided to stay open and published some temporary rules for its members, as follows –

  1. Players are asked to collect Bomb and Shrapnel splinters to save these causing damage to the mowing machines.
  2. In competitions, during gunfire, or while bombs are falling, players may take cover without penalty for ceasing play.
  3. The positions of known delayed-action bombs are marked by red flags placed at reasonably, but not guaranteed safe distance therefrom.
  4. Shrapnel/and/or bomb splinters on the Fairways, or in Bunkers within a club’s length of a ball may be moved without penalty, and no penalty shall be incurred if a ball is thereby caused to move accidentally.
  5. A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced, or if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped not nearer the hole without penalty.
  6. A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped not nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole without penalty.
  7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball from the same place. Penalty, one stroke.

The one stroke penalty in Rule 7 seems a little harsh but really, is there any wonder that Hitler lost the war?!

Triumph of Evil

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The events currently taking place in Ukraine are as much predictable as they are disturbing and, as stated previously in this blog, the world needs leadership. It isn’t going to come from the weak vacillating Europeans so therefore, once again, it has to come from the planet’s most powerful nation, the USA.

Somebody needs to buy two books for President Obama, the first a history of the 1930s and the rise of Nazism. This book will demonstrate to him what happens when a peaceful, tolerant but weak world decides against confronting a determined, ruthless, and cunning tyrant. The tyrant keeps taking and taking until ultimately the world has no choice but to confront him. If Hitler had been told by the world’s leaders at the outset what the consequences of his actions would be it is quite likely that the final catastrophe would never have occurred. He wasn’t and it did.

The second book would be a book of quotations by the great 18th century Anglo-Irish politician and philosopher Edmund Burke. The book would be highlighted at the page containing the quotation “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”. I have no doubt that President Obama is a good and decent man but he needs to act against Putin and he needs to act now.

Bad Hair Day

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Earlier this week an enterprising London hairdresser offended  the North Korean Embassy by daring to insult their illustrious leader Kim Jong-un.  In an advertisement to drum up business the hairdresser, Mo Nabbach, placed a poster in his shop window featuring a photograph of North Korea’s fun-loving and happy-go-lucky leader known as much for his strange hairstyle (now compulsory for all male North Korean students!) as for his crazy politics.  Beneath the photograph a caption announced, “Bad Hair Day? 15% off all cuts through the month of April”!

Evidently, the Embassy dispatched some stern besuited officials, clearly unused to British humour, let alone freedom of speech,  to the shop demanding that the poster be taken down claiming that it was disrespectful to their glorious leader. I have no idea what threats were made to the owner; perhaps they threatened to casserole the shop’s labrador (Lab-au-vin is quite a delicacy in Pyongyang so I understand) but anyway, it did the trick and the poster was duly removed.

 It was then put back up when supportive customers reminded the owner that the United Kingdom, unlike North Korea, is a free and democratic country where the only likelihood of a politician such as Kim Jong-un gaining power would be as leader of the Monster Raving Loony Party. How lucky we are to live in the West.

Europe – The Drip of the Tap

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The European Parliament recently announced plans to introduce uniform vehicle licence number plates throughout Europe, meaning that the distinctive white and yellow British number plates will be discontinued and will in future be identical to all other European number plates.

Supporters of the European Union (and even some of those who are not) will no doubt say, so what, it makes sense and it’s only a small concession, it makes transport administration that much easier and why should the UK be different from the rest of Europe? As usual, anybody who questions or offers opposition is dismissed as being small minded or labelled a” little Englander”.

This is the standard response whenever EU plans are questioned or opposed and it’s been going on for over 40 years. Each small concession is like the drip from a tap, small and relatively insignificant by itself but eventually, ten thousand drips later, the trickle becomes a torrent and the whole dynamic has changed.

This is how The EU works. It is government by stealth. As this blog has pointed out many times in the past, it is both wrong and anti-democratic. And what will be next, driving on the same side of the road? Why should the British and Irish drive on the left while the rest of Europe drives on the right?

We must never lose sight of the fact that when we voted in the 1975 referendum we voted on whether or not to be part of a trading community called the European Economic Community. We were not asked whether or not we wished to completely lose our identity, our sovereignty and become part of a United States of Europe.

Our government and particularly our Euro MPs have to resist this proposal vigorously and without compromise. Better still, give us the further promised referendum. If we have that referendum and do vote to be part of a United States of Europe with all that that entails then, fair enough, at least it will have been a democratic decision and we can then no longer complain about the flood of legislation and regulation that carries away our independence.

Misinformation

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A few years ago our government urged us to stop driving petrol driven cars and instead to go for diesel. We were told that diesel is more eco-friendly than petrol, is better for our health, is more efficient, more economical and overall is much better for the planet. Interestingly it’s also more expensive – I wonder if that had anything to do with it?

We were told this week that, actually, the experts got it wrong and diesel is not only bad for the planet it’s bad for human health and, in fact, the particles emitted by diesel engines can prove to be fatal.

This kind of thing happens a lot, particularly with foodstuffs. We are told that we should avoid certain types of food whilst embracing others and then a couple of years later they change their minds. We are told we shouldn’t eat sugar then we should. Alcohol is bad for us but then we are told that it can be beneficial to our health. Certain fats are good then they’re not. Margarine is better than butter, then it’s not and on it goes.

The logical conclusion to all of this is that we can’t believe half the things we are told by those in authority and, since they don’t know what they are talking about we should just go ahead and drive what we want, consume what we want and live our lives the way we see fit based on our own judgement, experience and common sense.

Lack of Compassion

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Uncontrolled immigration has been a big problem in this country for the last 50 years or so and the fact that the present government has taken steps to alleviate the situation is to be welcomed. It is now harder for people to enter the country and easier for the Government to deport those who enter illegally. However, whilst the rule of law must always be obeyed and upheld there must surely be occasions where a degree of flexibility can come into play.

The story of Yashika Bageerathi, the 19 year old Mauritian girl sent back to her country last Wednesday evening, is a case in point. She arrived in the UK in 2011 to escape abuse at home and settled well here with her mother and siblings. The immigration authorities looked into the case and after due process of law it was decided that she had no lawful right to remain in the UK. She was thus ordered to leave the UK (and her family) and return to Mauritius.

The human side to this story is that Yashika had shown herself to be a hardworking and popular pupil at her UK school and was only two months away from taking her A level examinations, arguably the most important examinations in any pupil’s life.

Both the school and the girl’s family pleaded for her to be allowed to continue her studies, take those examinations and then return to Mauritius afterwards and in fact the girl and her mother promised that she would do just that if given a stay of execution. The Government and courts said no, she had to leave straightaway and so she did, two days ago.

The Government is right; of course it is. We all want our country to be secure and for the law to be upheld but on occasion can we not show just a little imagination and, more importantly, a little compassion? Would an extra two months have made that much difference to us?

No Right to Success

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It seems to me that three factors determine the attainment of success; talent, hard work and luck. Of those, the latter is probably the most important for no matter how skilful or hard working you are, if lady luck isn’t on your side then you’re going nowhere.

The trouble with luck, unlike talent and hard work, is that nobody has an exclusive right to her favours, she cannot be controlled and, unlike the other two, is fickle and capricious. She can easily take away that which she once gave so freely.

It must be difficult and quite humbling, after spending years at the top of the tree, to suddenly find that your success and good fortune have disappeared and you are now sharing a branch with lesser mortals.

That, I’m afraid is life, it happens and you have to get on with it, work hard, use your talent and hope that lady luck once more smiles your way.

A thought that the fans of the country’s largest football club would do well to digest as the rest of us bid them a sincere welcome to the real world!

Sniffing About

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We’ve all watched in bemusement as our dog greets one of its fellows by sticking its nose up the other’s nether regions or embarrassment when it places its head firmly in the crotch of your house guest. “Sorry”, you say, “he’s only being friendly”. Well, is he?

Evidently the latest dating craze is something called Pheromone Dating whereby singles attempt to find love based on smell. Of course, scientists and lovers alike have long talked of the necessity of there being the right chemistry between successful couples and of a chemical reaction taking place when you meet Mr or Mrs Right.

Online dating is huge business worldwide and the UK market alone is worth £2 billion a year so there is clearly plenty of demand for any new system designed to find you the love of your life.

Pheromone Dating involves you putting a piece of worn clothing in a numbered bag and inviting others present to have a sniff to see if it appeals. I understand that the item is normally from the upper body (thank goodness for that!) and is preferably a T shirt that you have slept in for three nights as opposed to something you may have worn at the gym for the last two to three weeks.

If a person likes what he/she smells then he/she will be photographed holding your numbered bag and his/her image displayed on a large screen so you can then decide whether or not to take matters further. This is a good idea and clearly removes the potential for any embarrassment concerning lack of physical attraction or gender preference.

So, Pheromone Dating, the future of love? I always suspected that old Rover was on to something!

The Beautiful Game

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There were two news stories in the weekend’s press regarding our national game and neither made for particularly good reading.

The first concerned one of the most corrupt stories in the history of what worldwide appears to be anything but a “beautiful game”. It was hardly a new story – more like an old one reheated – but still shocking enough to cause a sharp intake of breath.

I imagine that most football fans were at least a little suspicious on hearing, a couple of years ago, that football’s ruling body (Fifa) had awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup. Qatar, though exceedingly wealthy, is a small desert country with no history of football and a summer climate hot enough at 50C to exhaust the average bloke walking the couple of hundred yards to his local camel store.  Suspicions of skulduggery were vindicated when it was subsequently revealed that a number of men on the committee responsible for awarding the World Cup had somehow accumulated several million dollars via bank accounts linked to the Qatari multi-millionaire Mohamed Bin Hammam.

The news this week that the FBI, rather than the inept, self-serving and self-congratulatory Fifa  are now conducting a thorough investigation into the affair following the discovery that at least some of the bribe money was linked to a New York bank account ratchets the story up another couple of levels. Perhaps it will result in Qatar being stripped of its award and the World Cup being given to a true footballing nation but somehow I doubt it. Money trumps fans any day of the week.

The second story concerned Saturday’s Premier League game between Chelsea and Arsenal where the referee, aided by two assistants and the fourth official, sent off the wrong player for deliberate handball. Television replays showed clearly who the culprit was and even if, somehow, the referee wasn’t to know that (though the incident took place right in front of him) the fourth official, aided by technology, certainly was. Even when the culprit himself came up to the referee and said “It was me ref” the referee ignored him. Aside from the clear incompetence of the officials who, as one leading ex-referee stated this weekend, should not officiate again this season (why just this season?)is there any reason why football cannot avail itself of the technology used by other sports?

Every year this question is raised but the arrogant authorities (in the case of Fifa no doubt too busy enjoying their Qatar bonuses) say that football doesn’t need it. Well it obviously does and until football drags itself into the 21st century and uses the instant replays and transparent fairness of other sports, such as American Football for example, the “beautiful game” will remain stuck in a murky dank time warp of corruption and incompetence.